A Joke For Today

I had no idea that these type of phones had a "vibrate mode".

 

1. What runs around a yard without actually moving? A fence.
2. 1. What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie? A pie-thon!
   2. 1. What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.

 

1. How do you tell if a vampire is sick? By how much he is coffin.
2. 1. Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
   2. 1. Why are hairdressers never late for work? Because they know all the short cuts!

 

1. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
2. 1. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
   2. 1. Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.

 

1. What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, “Spit out your gum,” and the other says, “Choo choo choo!”
2. 1. How do trees access the internet? They log in.
   2. 1. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type.”

 

1. Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
   Because they’re never right.
2. 1. Why was six scared of seven? Because seven “ate” nine.
   
   
   
3. 1. Can February March? No but April May

 

One day, Bill complained to his friend his elbow hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.

It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy lifting.

It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him meds. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.

They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

 

Good one

 

1. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
2. 1. If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.
   1. Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
      In case he got a hole in one.

 

Funny

 

BRUTUS58

 

A classically FUNNY movie. When that movie came out I was much younger than now. I would get a "woody" seeing Terri Garr and Madeline Kahn.

 

Louie & Louise's 25th anniversary celebration 'went
south' when she punched him on the shoulder.

"That's for 25 years of bad sex!", Louise yelled.

Louie reached over and punched her shoulder.

"That's for knowing the difference!"

 

So "bad" .. maybe that's why they're so good!!!

Thanks

 

A golfer and a priest are playing golf.
The golfer hits his first ball, which ends up in the forest. "Fucking wind!" he says.
"Hush, my son, no swearing." the priest says.
The golfer nods, then hits his second ball, which ends in a river. "Fucking wind!" he yells.
"Hush, my son! No swearing!" the priest says again.
The golfer apologize and takes his last ball, hits it.. and it falls in a lake. "Fucking wind!" he yells.
"Hush, my s...."
WHAM! Lightning hits the priest.
The golfer looks at the sky.
"God, why did you punish the priest?" he asks.
God answer: "Fucking wind!"