A Joke For Today

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" he asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded, still a little unsure. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Just then another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "That's it Maude. I've got to give up the drink! Just look at the sobriety test they're giving now!!"

 

Muff: Says here that air travel is up.

Amy: Isn't that where it's supposed to be?

 

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

 

A policeman is interviewing the bank manager after a robbery. He asks the manager if the robber’s faces were visible. The manager replies, “No, they were all wearing stockings over their heads.”
The policeman then asks the manager what kind of getaway car the robbers were driving. The manager says, “Well, now, this is slightly unusual. They weren’t driving a car. They were riding an elephant, instead.”
The policeman says, “An elephant?”
The manager says, “Yeah. They used it to dodge the traffic. They even plowed through a couple of cars.”
The policeman asks the manager, “Do you know what kind of elephant it was?”
The manager says, “How should I know? Isn’t an ‘elephant an elephant?'”
The policeman says, “No. African elephants have big ears, and Asian elephants have small ears.”
The manager says, “I already told you I couldn’t recognize any of the robbers. I couldn’t recognize the elephant, either, because he had a stocking over his head.”
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Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.

 

In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes. In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's. As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, Started to rise. They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart. The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole, And filled her with passion, Beyond her control. Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, Was all wet inside. The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice. Then down through the years, People did screw, And now it is time, For me and you. So pull down your pants, And lay in the grass, Cause I'm in the mood, For a piece of that ASS!

 

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

 

There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty. The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size. So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size. Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger. Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"

 

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,'Open the vault skank'. The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We dont have any money here'. The man says, 'Open the vault right now or im going to blow your fucking head off'. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'. The woman said, 'please sir, i promise you we dont have any money here. This is a sperm bank'. The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your fucking head off'. The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take lid off and swallow it'. She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, im not drinking sperm. We dont have any money here. Please leave'. The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off'. So the womans takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazment he took off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that fucking dificult is it'.

 

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck....."

 

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Yesterday, I asked a young lady out for a date.​

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She said to me, "I don't go out with old geezers like you, unless their bank balance​

looks like a telephone number. "​

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So today I looked mine up ...​

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Aha ! Tonight I get lucky !!​

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One Saturday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Johnny." "Good morning pastor Ron," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Wednesday night or Sunday morning service?

 

A bear and a rabbit are both taking a shit in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit replies "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

 

Penis breath, a lover's dread. Is what you get when you give head. Unpleasent as it tends to be. Be grateful that he doesn't pee. It's times like this you wonder why. You bother reaching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease. Accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do. So open up and shove it through. Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl. Slide up and down, use your tonge. And feel the precum start to run. So when the fuck's he gonna cum. Just when you can't take anymore. Your hear your lover's mighty roar. And when he hit's that real high note. You feel it oozing down your throat. Salty, fishy, sticky, nasty stuff. Okay already, that's enough. Let's switch you say, before you gag. And what's your revenge, your on your rag.

 

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

 

There was a class going on and a girl walked in and the teacher said "Where have you been?." The girl said " I've been on blueberry hill. Five minutes later another girl walked in and she was too and the teacher asked" Where have you been?" The girl said I've been on blueberry hill. Five minutes later a naked boy walked in and the teacher says " Let me guess you've been on blueberry hill too?" then the he says" I am bluberry hill.