A Joke For Today

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered, "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"
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A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.

 

A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS372.01 - Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.372.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.372.03 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.372.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.372.05 - It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash!", "Ambulance!", or "Free Scotch!" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.372.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.372.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. No fair, that's their stompin' grounds!372.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.372.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.372.10 - Bag Limits Per Day Yellow Bellied Sidewinders 2 - Two-faced Tortfeasors 1 - Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators 3 - Horn Rimmed Cut-throats 2 - Honest Attorneys (ENDANGERED SPECIES)

 

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC"

On being asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
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A police officer is arresting a drunk and is reading him his rights.

Officer: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

Drunk: "Angelina Jolie."

 

A young girl Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

 

Arriving home from work at my usual time of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so before a fight started in earnest I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!”

“And just where have you been?” she replied sharply. “It’s after seven o’clock!”

 

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE”.

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Eddie have been scheduled for Friday.

 

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news:
“There is no easy way to say this so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year.”

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I get away with it?”

 

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy.

At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked, "General, we a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews?"

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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub barkeep looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."

The barkeep said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

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Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work.

For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed.

Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up.

Jake was a good husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife.

However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.

After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist.

He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.

"What should I do?" asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said, "Take Melrose Avenue."

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Something tells me that a lot of women may smile with the following:

Trying to discover how good of a job my wife and I are doing at home schooling, I decided to quiz my 8 year-old daughter.

I first asked her, "Who is the President of the United States?"

"Barack Obama" she replied immediately.

"O.K., good job." I said. "Who is our Vice President?"

"Joe Biden" She said with confidence.

Proud of how smart she was I decided to test her with a more difficult one, "Who is the Speaker of the House?"

After several seconds of deep thought, she said with excitement, "Mommy!"

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I was trying to get my XXXXXXX-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
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Sorry, but the implications of the word was too close to stating an age. A metaphor or euphemism may work better. Neo

 

A man goes to his doctor for an eye examination. They were talking as the doctor was examining his eyes, and in the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually said, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replied, "Why doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor said, "No, but you've been upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."