New Joke of Day...

A friend asks another friend:

- How do you get your wife to let you go skiing when you want to?

The friend replies:

- I set the clock for 5 o'clock in the morning, and when it rings I tell her: skiing or sex? And she replies: "Put on your coat and gloves, it's cold".



Two skier friends talking in a break after skiing:
-William, will there be ski slopes in heaven?
-Yes, James, because in Heaven everything is perfect and the ski slopes are perfect.
-The first one to die should tell the other one.
-All right, William.
A few years later, William dies and at night James hears a voice in the dark:
-Jamesssss, Jamesssss, it's William.
-What do you want?
-I come to tell you two pieces of news, one good and one bad.
- The good news is?
- It is true that in Heaven there are ski slopes of more than 100 km. and perfect facilities.
- And what is the bad news?
-That you have a Lift ticket booked for tomorrow.


Two women go skiing in Andorra for the first time in their lives and at the hotel reception they read a poster with information about the ski resorts that says:

- Soldeu: Twenty centimetres. Hard.
- Pal: Fifteen centimetres. Spring.

One of the women approaches the reception desk and asks the receptionist:

- Could you tell me Mr. Soldeu's room number?

 

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At a fair, a man sees a fortune teller, he approaches her and the fortune teller says to him:
- You are the father of two children.
The man laughs and says:
- You have made a mistake. That's what you think, I am the father of three children.
The seer looks at him and says:
- That's what you think.

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister and a rabbi want to know which of them is better. They go into the forest, find a bear and try to convert it to their religion. Later the three of them meet.
-When I found the bear," says the Catholic priest, "I read him the Gospels and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week he will make his First Communion.
-I found a bear-says the Protestant minister-and I preached the word of God to him. The bear was so surprised that he let me baptise him.
They both look at the rabbi, who is lying on a rolling stretcher, his whole body bruised and bleeding.
-On second thought-says the rabbi-I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.

Charles wants it all to be perfect on a wedding anniversary trip to the beach hotel where he and his wife spent their honeymoon 30 years earlier and arrives a day before his wife to organise. That night he sends her an e-mail, but he gets the address wrong and the recipient is a widowed woman whose husband has recently died.
The widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of the computer. On the screen he reads the e-mail message:
"Dear wife, I have arrived safely and everything is arranged for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your journey will be as pleasant as mine. It's so hot!"

 

A boy and a girl meet in a chat room and decide to get to know each other:
- How will I recognise you?
- I'm 1.60 m tall and weigh 58 kg. What about you?
- I'll carry a tape measure and a scale.

Two employees of a company meet in the corridor:
- Do you know that the boss is dead?
- Yes, but I don't know who died with the boss.
- Why do you say someone else died?
- Didn't you read the mourning note that the company published in the newspaper? It said "...and with him went a great worker".

In a séance:
- Mum, is that you? If it's you, give me a sign.
W-A-S-H - Y-O-U-R - H-A-N-D-S - B-E-F-O-R-E - Y-O-U - T-O-U-C-H - T-H-E - O-U-I-J-A - B-O-A-R-D.

Two policemen in a house:
-50-year-old male. Natural death.
-And the noose around his neck?
-He had 3 ex-wives, 3 ex-mothers-in-law and 3 mortgages.
-Yeah, natural death then.

A UFO lands on Earth:
- Hello, earthlings. We come from another galaxy to bring you peace, love and harmony.
An earthling says to them:
- Your ship is badly parked. The crane is taking it away.
- Damn earthlings! We will destroy you all.