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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. curiousFred

    curiousFred Trusted.Member

    He was well hung.
     
    Insp Gadget likes this.
  2. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    wot !!!! scared of ladies fighting over you :rolleyes:
     
    curiousFred likes this.
  3. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Two chaps were chatting it up over a few pints of stout at the local pub...

    Ultimately, the subject of -death and dying- came up and some deeply-metaphysical comments were being made...

    Then one of the fellows said to the other, "Now take my grandfather. That man knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year, too! Not only that he knew what time of day he would die! He was right about that, as well. Right to the minute!"

    "Wow, that is incredible," replied the second fellow, "How did he know all that?"

    "The judge told him," said the first fellow.
    .
     
  4. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Police arrested two crazed delinquents yesterday - one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

    Long story short - they charged one, and let the other one off.

     
  5. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left, without telling him where she had gone.

    She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and did not want to live with him anymore.

    After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

    When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.

    After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter.

    Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing…

    While he did so, he grabbed his phone and dialed a number.

    His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.

    “Hey babe, I am just changing clothes; then I will join you,” he said.

    “As for the fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and she left.”

    “I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!”

    Then he hung up and walked out of the room.

    In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.

    Through teary and bleary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet, you twit. I am going out to buy bread and milk."
    .
     
    Dane, SecretWishes, Brutus58 and 4 others like this.
  6. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead gorgeous flight attendant.

    "What is your name?"

    Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, Sir"

    Businessman: "Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

    Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"

    Businessman: "How close?"

    Flight Attendant: "Same price"
    .
     
    59Seeker, curiousFred, Dane and 5 others like this.
  7. SecretWishes

    SecretWishes Trusted.Member

    curiousFred and slisse like this.
  8. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity.

    On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

    "How do you know when you are at 300 feet?" asked one woman.

    "A good question," replied the instructor.

    "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

    The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there is no one there I know?"
    .
     
  9. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

  10. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I cannot look that old?

    Take this one.

    My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

    I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

    Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 50-odd years ago.

    Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

    Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

    This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.

    After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school.

    “Yes, yes I did. I am a Morganner!” he beamed with pride.

    “When did you leave to go to college?” I asked.

    He answered, “In 1965. Why do you ask?”

    “You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

    He looked at me closely.

    Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat assed, grey haired, decrepit, bastard asked.. “What subject did you teach?”
    .
     
  11. Brutus58

    Brutus58 Trusted.Member

    HAHAHAHA!! Another fear I have is asking an obese woman when she is due. My wife's niece admitted she did that to a customer when she worked in a bridal shop.
     
    curiousFred and slisse like this.
  12. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

  13. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and his blonde wife in Newcastle were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.” So the good blonde wife went out and moved her car.
    A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through”. The good wife went out and moved her car again.
    The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?” Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”
     
    curiousFred, Akbloke, slisse and 4 others like this.
  14. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    “I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
    There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
     
    curiousFred, slisse, Brutus58 and 3 others like this.
  15. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:”Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts… When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts… When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts… When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!” The Doctor replies: “Your finger is broken.”
     
  16. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.
    So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!”
    So Johnny leaves and goes to his room.
    The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! Howd you know!?!?”
    Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch”
     
  17. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.

    "This is a talking dog," he bragged.

    "You can have him for five dollars."

    The neighbor asked, "Who do you think you are kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There aint no such animal."

    Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.

    "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded.

    "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the Army and was decorated ten times."

    "Hey!" exclaimed the neighbor, "He CAN talk! Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

    "Because," replied the seller, "I am getting tired of all his lies."

    .
     
  18. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    A woman walks into a psychoanalyst’s office and says, “doctor, my husband thinks he’s a dog! I don’t know what to do! Please help.”

    The doctor replies, “Okay, have him get on the couch.”

    The woman quickly snapped back, “Wait, no, he’s not allowed on the couch!”
     
    curiousFred, Neophyte, slisse and 2 others like this.
  19. borabora

    borabora Moderator Staff Member

    The Husband Store

    A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
    When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
    There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.
    You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
    but you CANNOT go back downwards, except to exit the building on elevator.

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
    Floor 1: These men have jobs.

    The 2nd floor sign reads:
    Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

    Curious woman goes upstairs.

    The 3rd floor sign reads:
    Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
    Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework
    and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but... she goes to the 6th floor... and the sign reads:

    Floor 6, on blinking display:
    You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
    There are no MEN on this floor.
    This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please.
    Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store!

    **** ****

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store, just across the street.
    The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
    The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
    The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.
     
    leftout4, SecretWishes, Dane and 6 others like this.
  20. Brutus58

    Brutus58 Trusted.Member

    I guess I'll be making a trip to New York City.
     
    slisse likes this.
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