A Joke For Today

Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?" That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

 

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

 

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

 

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THREE NUNS ATTEND A BASEBALL GAME ...

Yes they did ... and there were three men wo were sitting directly behind them, too.

...

And because the Nun's habits were partially blocking their view, the men decided to tease the Nuns, hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy yells, “I think I’m going to move to Toktoyukchuk. I hear there are only one-hundred Nuns living out there.”

Then the second guy speaks up, “I want to go to Moose Landing. I hear there are only fifty Nuns there.”

Then the third guy says, “Me, I’m leaving for Lake Looney. I hear there are less than a handful of Nuns there !”

And at that moment, a Mother Superior who was also seated in front turned around ...



She looked at the men, and she said to them clearly, “I think you all should go straight to Hell. Because I can tell you for a fact that you won't find any Nuns at all there.”

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You wouldn't fucking want to!

 

Why do you always see ywt nuns walking together?

The first nun is there to make sure the second nun gets none.

 

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Okay, so lately my problem's been so bad that I've even resorted to drinking brake fluid.

But I can stop anytime that I want.

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Did you hear what happened to the dyslexic Devil-worshipper ?

He sold his soul to Santa.

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him..


She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him..

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps in to the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago, When we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' He says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

 

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"


"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

 

Busted! I think I'm there lol

 

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Septuagenarian Bessie bursts into the recreation hall.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "Yer three fingers!"

Bessie thinks for a moment and says, "Close enough."​

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My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.