A Joke For Today

Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self defense classes so this would not happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.

One day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were.

He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.

"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."

His instructor said, "What happened?"

Paul replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off!"
.

 

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma.

Try as they might, the doctors just could not bring her out of it.

When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just cannot wake her. It does not look good" the doctor told Ralph in a quiet, somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena, and with a soft trembling voice, said, "But doctor, she is so young. She is only 42."

A faint voice emanated from the motionless patient,"...37."
.

 

Little Mario comes back from the school crying.

“Mum, everybody in the school calls me –Mafioso-"

“Do not worry, my son, tomorrow I will go to see the principal.”

“Thank you mum. Please make it look like an accident.”
.

 

'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked.

I nodded nervously.

'OK' she said and ate half my chips.

 

The night before her wedding Maria pulled her mother aside for an intimate little chat.

"Mom," she confided, "I want you to tell me how I can make my new husband happy."

The bride her mother took a deep breath.

"Well, my child," she began, "when two people love, honor, and respect each other, making love can be a very beautiful thing."

"I know how to make love, Mom" interrupted the girl, "I want you to teach me how to make lasagna like you do!"
.

 

"My wife caught a peeping tom last night, and she would have killed him, if we had not stopped her."

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"

"No, that is not what made her the maddest."

"It is not?"

"No, she got maddest when he reached in the window and closed the curtain.
.

 

A boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn't get hard?"

 

A guy and girl had sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

 

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"