A Joke For Today

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.

Just at that moment a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

The man replied, "I am out of gas."

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later the man saw an entire swarm of bees fly to his car and into his gas tank.

The bees then flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"WOW!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my gas tank?"

The bee answered, "BP."
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Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of seven children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters.

He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX."

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man.

One day, he got a call from his bank.

"Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check.”

“We were not sure you had really signed it.”

“All these years you have been signing your checks XX, but we just got one that was signed with three X..."

Mr. Schwartz answered, "Not a problem. It is just that since I have become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to use my middle name!"
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Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes.

The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long.

Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.

If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year.

If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that she could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.

Any woman whose getting more than that, well, you are just a "LUCKY LADY"
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A plumber was called to a woman her apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.

When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, "He is on his way home, but he is going back to the office around 8.”

“Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"
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Mike goes to his first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked cross it.

Mike walks over to the artist and says, "I do not understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

Mike says, "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
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A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth.

He asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy.

“Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the stork brought us too.”

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there has not been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
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Two girls were having coffee.

One noticed that the other girl seemed troubled and asked her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.

"Oh, that is too bad," the other girl sympathized.

"I am sure you are feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," she said, "He will really miss me."
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A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.

She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.

He gets out his light and says, "Open wide".

"I cannot," replies the blonde, "this chair has got arms."
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Thank you all who keep this thread going