A Joke For Today

An elderly blonde lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years.

The now widowed blonde, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter.

"I just got some news, Mom," he said.

"The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They have decided that our land is really part of the United States.”

“We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his blonde mother said, "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept!”

“I do not think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
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A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, “Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?”, there was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, “Put down –yes-"
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Danny realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said, "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let me see the $2.00 model," said Danny the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Danny his neck.

"You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?", asked Danny.

"For $2.00 it does not work," the salesperson replied, "But when people see it on you, they will talk louder."
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Our family-owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What is good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we did not think was good.

I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $17.95."
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A man says to his wife, who is about to give birth, "it would be nice if the baby looks like you".
To that the woman replies, "it would be a miracle if the baby looks like you".

 

A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of Pope John Paul II with his class.

One student asked how they chose the new pope.

The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the cardinals pick him."

A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next pope?"
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A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning.

As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.

Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal.

The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."

The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."

The lawyer says, "No problem."

He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water.

There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.

"My Goodness," says the priest, "It is a miracle!"

The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It is professional courtesy!"
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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

“They have stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried…

The dispatcher said, “Stay calm... An officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios back in disregard.

He says, “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”
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Stephen Harper was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said “I am the Prime Minister of Canada.”

“Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?”

“She replied, $200.”

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was, “Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees, then it is not going to cost you a damn cent!”
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Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I am sleeping with the priest his wife.”

“Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend does not like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he is really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike his shoulder and says, "You would better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
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Sam was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Anni to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Anni saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer.

When he was finished, Anni asked how much for the teapot.

He replied, "That is silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Anni exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Sam had sent her to buy, and he went to the backroom to find it.

From the back room he yelled, "Anni, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Anni replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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Four women were chatting in the locker room.

One of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin the salami and so on, there were not any common terms for female masturbation.

"I have always called it -jilling off-" said one of the women.

"But that is just a feminization of -jacking off-" said the first.

"You are right," said another, "we do not seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted, "After fourteen years of marriage, there is only one thing I call it."

"What is that?"

"Finishing the job."

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Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for.

Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear."

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms."

The third nurse fainted.