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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Do not stare directly at this cartoon ...

    [​IMG]

     
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  2. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

  3. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
     
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  4. leon Phillips

    leon Phillips Trusted.Member

    A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when
    >>> he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
    >>>
    >>> The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
    >>> a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
    >>> want to take a look at this?"
    >>>
    >>> The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
    >>> working.
    >>>
    >>> The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,
    >>> look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or
    >>> replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I
    >>> finished, it worked just like new.
    >>>
    >>> So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I
    >>> are doing basically the same work?"
    >>>
    >>> The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the
    >>> mechanic.......
    >>>
    >>> "Try doing it with the engine running."
    >>
     
  5. Curmudgeon

    Curmudgeon Moderator Staff Member

  6. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

  7. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Musta bin Gary Bettman ! :D

    gary_bettman.gif
     
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  8. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Have you ever experienced that transcendental feeling, of being at one with Nature ?
    [​IMG]
     
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  9. Irish_Incest

    Irish_Incest Trusted.Member

    What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

    Ay Matey
     
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  10. Irish_Incest

    Irish_Incest Trusted.Member

    What's the most tallest building in your town/city?

    The library, because it has the most stories
     
  11. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    I see you're raiding the school library. Lol.
     
  12. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    This morning, I screwed in a light-bulb. Then this afternoon, I crossed the road.
    Now, I'm getting ready to walk into a bar ... holy shit, my life is a joke !
     
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  13. Irish_Incest

    Irish_Incest Trusted.Member

    I'm Irish, stories are what we do best and libraries are our friends :D
     
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  14. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    A motorist is driving past a mental hospital when he gets a flat tire.
    He goes out to change the tire, and sees that one of the patients is watching him through the fence.
    Nervous, trying to work quickly, he jacks up the car, takes off the wheel, puts the lug nuts into the hubcap and steps on the hubcap, sending the lug nuts clattering into a storm drain.
    The mental patient is still watching him through the fence.
    The motorist desperately looks into the storm drain, but the lug nuts are gone.
    The patient is still watching.
    The motorist paces back and forth, trying to think of what to do - and the patient says,
    "Take one lug nut off each of the others tires, and you'll have three lug nuts on each"
    "That's brilliant!!!"says the motorist, "What's someone like you doing in an asylum?"
    "I'm here because I'm crazy" says the patient, "not because I'm stupid."
     
  15. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    Italian Man of the House
    ....and his new Italian wife!
    Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
    He went to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
    You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
    After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
    Afterward, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
    You will wash my back, towel me dry and bring me my robe.
    Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
    And tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
    His new Italian wife replied:
    “The funeral director would be my first guess.”
     
  16. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    What women want in a Man (it changes over time)!

    Original List (age 21)

    1. Handsome
    2. Charming
    3. Financially successful
    4. A caring listener
    5. Witty
    6. In good shape
    7. Dresses with style
    8. Appreciates finer things
    9. Full of thoughtful surprises

    Revised List (age 32+)

    1. Nice looking
    2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
    3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
    4. Listens more than talks
    5. Laughs at my jokes
    6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
    7. Owns at least one tie
    8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
    9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

    Revised List (age 42+)

    1. Not too ugly
    2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
    3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
    4. Nods head when I'm talking
    5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
    6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
    7. Wears a shirt that covers his middle
    8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
    9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
    10. Shaves most weekends

    Revised List (age 52+)

    1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
    2. Doesn't belch or scratch his crotch in public
    3. Doesn't borrow money too often
    4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
    5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
    6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
    7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
    8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
    9. Remembers my name on occasion
    10. Shaves some weekends

    Revised List (age 62+)

    1. Doesn't scare small children
    2. Remembers where the bathroom is
    3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
    4. Only snores lightly when asleep
    5. Remembers why he's laughing
    6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
    7. Usually wears some clothes
    8. Likes soft foods
    9. Remembers where he left his teeth
    10. Remembers that it's the weekend

    Revised List (age 72+)

    1. BREATHING
    2. DOESN'T MISS THE TOILET
     
  17. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding. The following conversation takes place.
    Older Woman: Is there a problem Officer? she asks.
    Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am. I'm afraid you were speeding.
    Older woman: Oh, I see
    Traffic Cop: Can I see your license?
    Older Woman: I would give it to you , but I don't have one.
    Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
    Older Woman: No I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
    Traffic Cop: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
    Older Woman: I can't do that.
    Traffic Cop: Why not?
    Older Woman: I stole this car.
    Traffic Cop: Stole it?
    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
    Traffic Cop: YOU WHAT?
    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
    The Traffic Cops stares at the woman and backs away slowly to his car while calling for backup. Within minutes 5 Police cars circles the woman's car. A Senior Officer approaches the woman's car with his hand on his half-drawn gun.
    Senior Officer: Please step out of your vehicle ma'am , he says. The woman does so.
    Older woman : Is there a problem sir?
    Senior Officer: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
    Older Woman: Murdered the owner? are you serious?
    Senior Officer: Yes. Please open the trunk of your car. The woman opens the trunk. Its empty.
    Senior Officer: Is this your car ma'am?
    Older Woman: Yes. Here are the registration papers. The Officers are stunned.
    Senior Officer: My colleague tells me that you do not have a drivers license. The woman digs in her purse and pulls out her drivers license. The Senior looks at it quizzically.
    Senior Officer: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled. I was told by my officer that you don't have a license, that you stole the car , and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
    Older Woman: And I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

    Edited to different font and color. Neo
     
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  18. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

  19. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    There is a thread here for puns. You should search back a ways and find it. This would fit well there.
     
  20. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Two new prisoners are put into a cell.

    One prisoner asks, "How long are you in for?"

    The second prisoner replies, "A hundred and twenty years."

    The first prisoner says, "I am serving a hundred and fifty. You take the bed nearer the door because you are getting out first!"
     
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