A Joke For Today

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After O.J. Simpson was released from prison, a reporter asked him about his plans for the future.

HACK : " Ojay, you seem to have taken good care of yourself while you were locked up. Do you think that you could perhaps marry again some day ? "

OJAY : " Well you never know - I might just take another stab at it. "

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A couple is spending their first night together. The guy takes off his pants and the girl sees his knees are all blotchy and mottled. "What happened to you knees?" she asks. "Oh, I had kneephristis when I was young." He then takes off his socks, and his toes are curled and twisted. "What happened to you toes?" she asks. "Oh, I had tolio when I was young." He then takes off his Jockies. She says "Don't tell me, I know, you had smallcox too".

 

There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occassion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lart, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, hum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart The Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of the Haydn Octet in B-Major.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

 

THESE USEFUL QUOTES WERE REPORTEDLY TAKEN FROM ACTUAL
FEDERAL EMPLOYEE
PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has starte to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "He-would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddie."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

1 1. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.11

14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

17. "He's been working wi'th glue too much."

18. "He would argue with a signpost."

19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

20. "He brings a lot of 'oy whenever he leaves the room."

21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

22. "if you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

29."Ifyougivehi-mapenny-,forhisthoughts.,.you!dget-change."

30.lf you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

31. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

32. "One neuron short of a synapse."

33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

 

A guy inherited a ton of money and wants to experience new things. He takes a trip to Paris and goes to one of the finest restaurants and tells the waiter he wants to order their finest meal. "Ah!" says the waiter. I recommend ze spayshiaty of ze house, "peesh poosay." "Well", says the man, if you recommend it, I'll certainly try it". Later, four waiters come out carrying a huge platter with a beautiful naked woman lying on it, surrounded by peaches and sauce. The man thinks, "These French have such great presentation" and picks up a fork a stabs a peach. "No, No, monsieur" exclaims the waiter. "Not ze peesh, ze poosay."

 

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

Three guys go on a skiing trip together.
When they get to the ski lodge there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job."
The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he's had the same dream, too.
The guy in the middle says, "Wow that's funny, I dreamed I was skiing."

 

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

 

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED 2

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important
to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting
the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the
woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

 

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
part 1

 

That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, "Sure. Put up your own sign.

"The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack, "How is the problem with the speeding drivers, Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down.

So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.......................



'NUDIST COLONY'

'Slow down and watch for chicks!'

 

sorry- I couldn't figure how to copy all at one time

 

A woman goes to her gynecologist and says, "Doctor, kiss me!"

"No"

"Doctor, please kiss me."

"I said NO!"

"Doctor, I'm begging you to kiss me!"

"Ma'am, with your condition, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you!"